Being Honest

It took me a good two and a half days to write the letter.

I don't remember how neat my writing was, but I do remember ensuring that I carefully planned each word which went down on to the paper. This was going to be an important letter, and I couldn't make any mistakes.

So I wrote it all down, as many details as I could remember. I believe there are more details I could have included, and many of them I can think of now. But I didn't include them because my mind had blocked them out. And it is only now, nearly seven years later, that my mind is healing enough for me to painfully remember, and slowly recover.

So I sealed the envelope.

I mailed it off.

He needed to know the hurt and baggage I was carrying. Because if I never told him, I would ruin the happiness we were enjoying.

Two days after I had posted the letter, he called me. He had just finished reading it.

He told me how sorry he was, and how much he wanted to show me that everything would be safe with him. I would never again be hurt that way again.

And I knew I could trust him, because he didn't reject me despite my past.

It was the biggest relief, and the happiest moment I had ever had. I could feel safe once more.

Late nights

September passed and we headed into October. The month of many, many late nights.

For once since our 'relationship' had begun, school had become useful and helpful. As I had started my HSC curriculum at school I found myself swamped with homework, assignments and random essays constantly. For the majority of most nights I was cooped up in my bedroom trying to stay on top of it all.

By the time I had finished my family had usually gone to bed (of course, 9:30pm was a late night for them, so it wasn't hard to work through their goodnights). I soon found this to my own advantage, because I could shut my door and have all the privacy in the world. Private phone calls soon began.

For the first couple of nights we didn't talk for long, because we were still wary of my parents waking up and finding out I was using up my credit quicker than the Sun dries water. However, as time passed I mastered the art of sneaking through the house, stealing the house phone and calling Lachlan for free.

I thought I was pure genius.

Since I had given us more free time to talk we had to figure out ways in which we could fill up time effectively.

The real genius, that being Lachlan, stepped up to the plate and invented our 'game'. We still play this game, and I often cheat. I can't help it; he taught me all the bad habits I know.
I am certain that other people play the same game as we do, but we love it and always manage to make it special.

The 'game' was a question game, where we would take turns asking the other person a question. Our questions certainly started out very simple and easy, but as we grew to know each other more, the questions became more complicated. And soon we became so comfortable around each other that we both said things which embarrassed us greatly.

The first embarrassment was to be experienced for yours truly.

I had just gotten off the phone after a lengthy, wondersul 2-hour conversation into the early hours of the morning. I reached for my mobile phone, and with great excitement sent a text message to my sister sleeping down the hallway. The text message said:

"Oh my goodness! I just spent the last 2 hours talking to my future husband!"

Emily never replied, and I wasn't surprised. 1am messags are often hard to reply to. However, she did not forget the text message at all. That week I came to youth on the Friday night and found Emily talking to Lachlan. Walking up to them I asked what was going on.

Emily then proceeded to tell me that she had shown him my text message. I remember that moment so clearly in my mind. I felt sick; so sick I nearly ran to the bathroom out of extreme humiliation. I was so angry and upset! That message was never EVER meant to be seen by his eyes!

The rest of the night I was so moody, upset and awful to be around. I thought that this would probably mean the end of things. He wouldn't want to be around a crazy girl who came across as if she was already planning their wedding.

However, the tables soon turned (thankfully!).

The following week, as we chatted quietly on the phone, we got on to the subject of Maths and English.

My darling Lachlan, the poor delusional man, was a fan, enthuisast and lover of all things mathematical. He certainly needed much love and prayer in my books. I am the English girl. I love reading, writing and creativity.

Anyway, I was explaining to Lachlan (well, actually it was more like lamenting) how today's children are losing the art of English and speaking, reading or writing properly because of technology. If you have ever spent any short amount of time with Lachlan, you would know that he is a computer nerd. And I was attacking his beloved technology. He took up arms.

As we debated the subject, he stumbled and brought us to a one-all draw in the embarrassed books.

Exhasperated he said, "Well at least we know that our children will have..."

I stopped mid-sentence and listened to the silence on his end of the phone. Then I began to laugh hysterically at his innocent blunder in referencing to our future 'children'. He was so embarrassed! And I do believe he grew quite tired of my constant laughing and told me to stop. It was not funny!

Finally we both agreed that the draw had come and we moved on from the two incidents as if they had never happened. But I'll always remember our blunders. Our blunders made us more real and open with each other.

And it was time I was more open with him than I had ever been before.

Exo Day

I am no fan of crowds. In fact I would rather eat a bowl of disgusting, evil Weet-bix than get caught (and most likely drown) in a sea of people.

So, although Exo Day is a fun day to hang out with friends from church, it is one event that I don't always find enjoyable, simply because thousands of people attend. However, as I was a youth leader I needed to go to watch out for some young girls I was in charge of. Plus he was going. Always the bonus.

It was the most miserable weather! Rain bucketing down, and literally 3 spaces for shelter. After trying to 'enjoy' the shower by exploring the rides, music and food stalls, we all chickened out and headed to an empty shed where rappers and BMX bikers were singing/riding to their heart's content.

Although neither rap music, nor fancy tricks on BMX bikes interested me, I was just glad to be dry-ish...well at least no wetter than before. But it was still chilly from winter and my jacket was no longer providing me with sufficient warmth.

Our group, which consisted of about 8 people including Lachlan, Joanne and some other friends from school, the girls I was watching and myself, soon found our 'spot', claimed it and sat down. We had no intention of moving at all until the night was over, which wouldn't happen for another 3-4hours. I was OK with that, because I am lazy and can just sit in one spot for ages and do absolutely nothing. I don't know how the others felt about it, but I didn't really care.

I was staying put.

Not long after we had settled, Lachlan and Joanne were hankering for some ice-cream. I thought they were insane because it was so cold, however off they went to get their creamy delight.

When they came back I was given the most thoughtful surprise! Lachlan had searched far and wide until he returned with a towel. Wrapping myself in it I was drying off and warming up quickly. It was the sweetest gift he had given me!

Of course toward the end of the night he and some of the other guys had gotten into this weird mood and were going slightly insane, but overall it was a great night.

That towel is my favourite of all towels I've ever owned.

Leaning in

My favourite activity when it comes to birthdays is to organise surprises. My mother was turning the ancient age of 40, and thus a perfect opportunity had come for a massive surprise birthday party.

And believe me, this party was huge. We had over 100 people hide out at a friend's place in Orchard Hills (they conveniently had a huge house/backyard)with enough food to feed a small country, a bush band with large tent for bush dancing, several fires burning and plenty of balloons.

The surprise was a huge success; my mother was so not prepared for 100 people to come charging out at her, yelling "SURPRISE!" Then again, who ever is? It was the best!!

My dad's parents came to the party, along with my great-grandmother. It was the first time Lachlan would meet them and he soon got roped into talking to my grandfather about fixing cars, or something boy-ish like that. I felt sorry for him in a way. I also found it a little amusing.

As the night progressed and our stomachs filled, we all found ourselves eager to do some dancing. As dorky as I think bush-dancing is, it was so much fun! Everyone was laughing, singing and being uncoordinated all at once!

I was extremely happy, because now I had an excuse to publically hold Lachlan's hands as we swung around doing the dosey doe, or heel & toe. And it was during this wonderful dancing that I received a spectacular bruise.

Dear, dear Lachlan still apologises today. I often bring it up whenever I am feeling hard-done-by (in the sense of the word). For example, if he won't reveal his secret plans to me, or he won't listen to my ridiculous rants about grammar or he won't give me exactly what I want when I want it.

I am yet to use the event against him in a serious manner.

So there we were, dancing around, when suddenly his foot, which was supposed to go one direction, went the wrong direction and eventually found itself planted on top of my foot. The pain, needless to say after one has had a grown man's foot stomp on top of their foot, was rather substantial.

The look on his face when he realised he had hurt me - absolutely priceless!

He was so upset that he had injured me. I laughed it off and told him it was totally fine, which it was. I felt very special to have his foot imprint on mine. The bruise was beautiful; big, purple and swollen. I couldn't really dance for the remainder of the evening, but I could sit down with him for a few hours and just hang out. In the end I believe I won no matter what happened.

As we sat there on the hay bale, with the fire burning in front of us we were soon ambushed by the lady who had given up her property for the party. And she stood there with a camera, demanding to take a picture of us together.

So we sat there and waited, smiling. She rolled her eyes, and couldn't do it.

"For goodness sake you two, we know all about you! Lean in!"

Blushing, I looked at Lachlan, and bent my head awkwardly and remained pretty much unchanged.

"Lean in, I said!"

"I am!" I shouted back.

"Whatever, sit still and smile, you fools."

And she took the picture, laughing at our embarrassed and timid smiles. I felt like I had 'leaned in' heaps for that photo. I look at it now and shake my head. I was so foolish sometimes.

But despite this, I felt like we were 'leaning in' heaps. We were getting closer and closer, and I was loving the overwhelming feeling of being in love. It was so brand new and fresh. It was special and untainted. It was perfect.

Birches, Mary and False Prayers

Late Wednesday afternoon we reached our destination. We were staying at the Birches Motel, about a 15 minute walk from our venue for the conference. We were so exhausted, but had to keep going as the first night session would be starting soon. Forcing the energy and enthusiasm took a lot out of us, but we were all very glad to be there. It was a fabulous conference.

There was one girl who was staying with us who was rather synical of Lachlan and I. She somehow had watched us like a hawk the whole trip down and probably saw us holding hands. So off she went to tattle to my mother. I was so annoyed.

Mum gently pulled me aside and questioned me about my 'public displays of affection' with Lachlan, and I told her mostly everything. Of course I felt extremely guilty for lying to my mother, but I was nervous. Plus half the stuff the girl had told my mum wasn't true, so I knew I was telling the truth for 80% of everything. I just happened to leave out the holding hands part...

The girl even went up to my sister and said that if Lachlan and I weren't going out then she was the Virgin Mary. Ah Mary...the name remains for her today.

In fact her new nickname stuck almost instantly. Lachlan, Emily, Justin and myself all began calling her that, and then we were discovered. My dad, who is not a subtle person, and who certainly takes some time in understanding when things are meant to be 'inside' stuff, pretty much gave us away.

We were all sitting in a resturant after our morning session at the conference for lunch. Emily and I noticed on the menu that they were serving Bloody Marys, and being close sisters who don't usually require too much explaination between each other, we both started cracking up. It was definitely an inside joke, because we just found it hilarious. Any reference to any Mary was now a joke for us.

Soon Lachlan and Justin were well aware of why we were laughing, and soon joined us. Then my dad wanted to add his laughter. So he asked us what was wrong. I'm almost 100% sure that he didn't know about the 'Virgin Mary' sitting next to him, so when we pointed to the drink, he said "I don't understand, what is so funny about Bloody Marys?"

An awkward silence fell over his particular table, as "Mary" grew bright red and uncomfortable. She knew we were laughing at her, and as we tried despereately to suppress our giggles (unsuccessfully), she grew more and more angry. Oh the glares!! They were certainly priceless.

Apart from our Biblical character issues, we also had to deal with our own 'spiritual' falseness. It was during this conference that everyone discovered the terrible truth about Michael Gugglielmucci, and a sombre atmosphere had fallen over the conference.

Although we were devastated by the news, we didn't let it affect us too much. I know that if I had thought about it too much, I would've become a very angry and bitter person.

I believe that it was on the afternoon of the awful announcement when Lachlan, Emily and I found ourselves sitting and waiting in the conference lobby all alone because we had missed getting into one the electives. Walking too slowly never pays off.

While we sat there and waited, we saw the co-ordinator of the whole conference coming towards us. He was our Christian celebrity at the time. Both Emily & Lachlan felt extremely excited by the fact that he could be walking past us, but then they began to freak out, in case he asked us why we weren't in an elective.

It was then Emily said the quote of the trip for us all.

"Quick pretend to be spiritual and pray!"

I laughed, but to my amazement looked and saw both of them heads bent, eyes closed. They were pathetic. Feeling confident that they had managed to fool the co-ordinator once he had headed out of the lobby onto the busy Melbourne street, they looked back up and we continued to wait for everyone to come out of their electives. There were many moments like those ones, where we all ended up in hysterics. It was truly one of my favourite memeories.

Finally came Saturday morning-early again-and we began our trip home. Lachlan and I were sitting next to each other in the middle of the bus this time. I was feeling more confident around him, and easily rested my head upon his shoulder once more.

When we woke up however, we were both extremely embarrassed. Our window had completely fogged up. It was the only window on the whole bus that had fogged up. Everyone made a big deal about it, asking us what we had been doing which could have caused the window to fog. Even my dad light-heartedly joked about us!

The moments of embarrassment were now going to be part of the norm for us. I would have to get used to it. But even those moments with him I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Vulnerable

The trip was adventurous in so many ways. I eventually fell asleep on Lachlan's shoulder around lunchtime, which someone happily captured on their camera. We all had a great time, singing, laughing and enjoying the countryside as we drove along. It was somewhere in the middle of our trip that I felt my vulnerability escalate dramatically.

Lachlan slid his hand into mine.

My heart raced at a million miles an hour. My mind literally was blurry for a few moments, as I thought about what was happening. As you have probably guessed, if I freaked out brushing his hand in a bucket of popcorn, surely I was on the verge of a minature heart attack by now.

You are basically right.

I had two very serious options in those moments. Moments which would define the speed, length and strength of this relationship. If I pulled away, I would literally be pulling away. Or I could embrace it and let things flourish.

Luckily, against my natural reactions, I chose the latter option and stayed still. Probably too still. I think I almost went rigid as I tried desperately to act 'normal'. As if I had had plenty of boys hold my hand before. As if I wasn't afraid of hands.

Perhaps he sensed my timidness...I'm sure my slight shaking gave it away. He loosened his hold, and gently placed his hand on top of mine. I felt a wave of relief. He was so considerate and aware of how I felt. Gosh I loved him!

Despite feeling so scared and nervous, that moment was so precious to me. It was the most loving thing any boy had ever done. I was so overwhelmed that he liked me; me! A young 17 year old school girl, who had no clue about anything in the world except that one day she would save earth and get married and have lots of kids along the way.

I was a complete fool, and he found me interesting. He made me a better person; a stronger person; a more down-to-earth, realistic person. He just made me.

By the time we reached Melbourne, we were holding hands properly. Underneath my green scarf so my parents wouldn't see. But properly at least.

And I felt less vulnerable in a sense, and then again I have never felt so vulnerable in my whole life. But it was a good feeling, and I'm glad it happened. I'm glad it all happened.

Kidshaper

This would have to be my first favourite memory of our adventures together.
Every year, Kidshaper conference is held in Melbourne, Victoria. It's a conference specifically for kids leaders and those involved in children's ministry. As you can imagine, a conference full of hyper-active kids pastors, leaders and workers simply makes for one crazy, fun getaway.

About 10-12 of us from church were given the opportunity to go this conference that year, including Lachlan and myself. I was so over-excited! 12 hours 'stuck' sitting next to him on a mini bus all the way down the Hume Highway.

What could possibly be better than that?

I don't think many people understand my way of thinking sometimes. I am pretty sure only Lachlan, and maybe my mother knows how my mind can work. And even then, I'm pretty sure they haven't really experienced my logic in all its severity.

So, there I was sitting at school, gloating to all my friends that I only had a two-day week and that I would be gone from Wednesday for the conference, when suddenly my mind started ticking.

>I began to think about how I would need to get up at about 4am on Wednesday morning, so that I had ample time to wash my hair, get dressed and perhaps rub on some make-up before my parents whisked us out of the house to go to the church and begin our journey.

>Then I thought about how ill I usually feel whenever I wake up earlier than 6am and was beginning to come up with methods in which I could counteract the queasy feelings.

>As I thought about this I thought about how I didn't want Lachlan to realise my weakness for early mornings, and I certainly was NOT going to be throwing up during the trip. So I decided that I would stick to just sleeping for the first couple of hours of the trip in order that I would avoid feeling ill.

>And then it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I needed to be comfortable when I slept, and usually the window was not always a great pillow. I then thought about the possibility of sleeping on someone's shoulder...on his shoulder.

The idea excited me. It would be the first real 'romantic' gesture between us. I had to make sure it happened, and that it happened perfectly. And so my crazy, over-thinking brain spent the remainder of the afternoon thinking up ways in which I could make this work out.

By the time Wednesday had come, my plan was all figured out on how to get Lachlan to give up his shoulder for me. We got to the church at 4:30am and found Lachlan and his friend Justin WIDE awake in the carpark.

Weird boys who have no regard for the precious-ness of sleep.

As we began packing the bus, Lachlan and I somehow during our early morning conversation, ended up on the field next to the carpark. I then watched as Lachlan proceeded to chase a rabbit in the dark.

Don't ask me how we got to this point. It was too early in the morning for me to remember. I do remember laughing a lot..and being a little disturbed along the way.

Finally we got on the bus for our long trip down south. I headed to the back of the bus and sat next to the window. Lachlan hopped on and subtly slid down next to me. Everyone else on the bus rolled their eyes, smiling at our attempts to keep things just as 'friends'.

We were hopeless fools.

The trip began and I made myself comfortable against the window. My plan was to make Lachlan do all the work instead of me. And sure enough, I had charmed the boy so well that he took the bait.

Tapping me on the shoulder, he said "Christina, are you awake?"

"Slightly. The window is cold." I laughed quietly.

"Yea I bet. Do you...you wanna lie on my shoulder for a while. Only if you need sleep."

"I'd love to." I smiled as I leaned over.

I was so happy, I couldn't sleep in the end. But I lay there anyway, enjoying his strong, warm shoulder on that cold, dark August morning, as we headed to our Melbourne destination.

Again, he had become my perfect man.

Tea Party

Term 3 began and I had found a new friendship in a lovely young girl who was going through the same emotional rollercoaster as I. She was waiting for a man 4years older than her, and she had to wait until she was 18...a whole 6months or so after she graduated from High School!!

Needless to say I was loving my parents greatly by this stage.

I remember one recess in the beginning of August, sitting on the concrete in the school yard with her discussing our dilemmas.

It was cold, but the sun was brighter than normal and kept us fairly 'warm' in the sense of the word. Somehow, during this quiet, sunny day we ended up chatting about the subject of tea parties.

We both decided that they were lots of fun; cucumber sandwiches, delicate china with hot tea and jellies, biscuits and cake. So, our loving and sharing nature soon kicked into gear, and we found ourselves planning a tea party which would be held at Lockie's place.

I knew Lockie would be thrilled with the idea.

For some reason (perhaps the desire to prove that he was indeed perfect, and did want to pretend he enjoyed tea parties) Lockie agreed to the double date at his place and a Sunday afternoon was chosen.

Sunday 10th August 2008 came. After church had finished I went looking for Lachlan to head off to his place for the party. As I looked I received a devastating text.

My friend and her man couldn't make it as they were both sick! I began to do what I did best whenever faced with dealing with alone time in this new relationship, and felt panic set in.

Luckily as my frantic, panicked gaze scoured the crowd looking for Lockie, I found myself facing Karen. Maybe, my fears weren't necessary quite yet.

"Karen, would you and Matt like to come out to lunch with Lachlan and I now?"

"Sure. I don't see why not. I'll go get Matt."

Saved by the insane, panic gaze.

I sat alone in his car on the way there and for the most part, I stared out the passenger window, trying to stay 'cool'. I tried to maintain perfection in everything; the way I folded my legs, the way I smiled, the way I strained to silence an annoying cough without him noticing, the way I subtly wiped away the tears in my eyes from supressing the cough, the way I barely breathed lest it be too heavy for his precious ears to handle etc etc.

Plus, I had one more fear to face; his parents.

I knew they would be lovely people, for how could such a lovely man such as Lachlan come from parents who were nasty? However, although this logic was flawless, it still did not help calm my fears.

We drove for what seemed like eternity, and finally made it to his driveway. I was totally taken aback, for his house was not what I had expected. His driveway alone was endless, giving me the sense that this boy had a spectacular home at the end to show.

As we approached the house, I am sure my mouth was gaping wide open. His home and land was huge! I just remembered thinking about how pretty his home was. The space, the simple design, the serenity which would come from living in this place; it simply made my heart feel completely envious.

Once I finally closed my unattractive gob, we got out of the car. As soon as we got out, we were greeted in the most jovial manner by his two dogs at the time, Roofus and Nelson. Gosh they were beautiful dogs! Although Roofus kind of intimidated me a little; you'd be scared too if you faced a dog that size! He was like a miniture horse!!

I immediately loved his dad. He was so friendly! It calmed my nerves down so much. His mum wasn't home at the time, so we all headed inside and started getting lunch ready.

When I went into their kitchen, I knew exactly what a blessing a big kitchen was. Their kitchen was wonderful! Perhaps it's only a girl obsession, but seriously this kitchen was huge, spacious and pretty much perfect in my books. My kitchen will be just like that one!

Lachlan started preparing the steaks for lunch. I think back to that day, and the way he was trying too hard to impress me with his kitchen skills. It was the most delightful thing I've ever watched. Nevertheless, his cooking was rather brilliant, so perhaps the showing off worked.

By the time the steaks were prepared, his mum arrived home. Again, she was so friendly, and I felt rather foolish for feeling so nervous. We cooked and ate our steaks, and then settled down for a movie.

Then the unexpected happened.

Karen and Matt had to leave, because Matt had to get to work, and he was Karen's transport home! I would have to hang out with Lachlan all alone in the end anyway! Maybe God was trying to send a subtle message and tell me to get over my fear, grow some confidence and be normal!

So I took a deep breath and slowly,carefully sat down next to him. So far, so good. I hadn't done anything stupid...yet.

Halfway through the movie, he paused it and asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. In those few moments I had a couple of choices; say no, and pretend I cared about my appearance, weight and appetite OR say yes and eat something delicious.

In reality I was craving chocolate, so I thought I would ask what he wanted to eat first before I gave my final answer.

He wanted double coated chocolate TimTams.

The perfect man was improving by the second! We ran upstairs, grabbed the packet of chocolate goodness, and headed back down to our film. We also grabbed a slice of cake each, because let's face it; it was a day for all things indulgent.

As I sat there watching, I sensed Lachlan was not really watching the movie, but me.
Glancing over, I smiled.

"Everything OK?"

"Oh yea, sure." he said grabbing his third TimTam.
"I'm just trying to distract myself with these biscuits."

"Ah, ok?" I said slightly confused.

"If I occupy my hands with these biscuits then I won't be tempted to hold your beautiful hand."

Well, wasn't that completely unexpected?

I blushed and looked at the 'beautiful' hand, and realised that I should probably do the same thing to avoid trying to hold his hand.

Being 'just friends' was going to be harder than we both realised. I think I resented school from that moment on. So there we sat for the rest of the movie, not saying anything at all, and eating as many TimTams as we could.

Quakes and Burns

It was around 12:30am, and I was sound asleep.

However, I wasn't so asleep that I missed hearing my phone go off. I blinked several times, yawned, stretched and fumbled around in the dark until I found the phone.

The light from the text message was so bright, that I couldn't read it at first. However, once I recovered from the blinding light, I read the early morning message from Lockie.

"Just experienced my first earthquake in Tokyo! It was so sudden & scary! I think there might be aftershocks."

...

I bolted up from my bed and began to panic! My boy was in danger of dying in an earthquake! I couldn't do anything! I felt so helpless.

I sent him a text back asking if he was OK and if he could go somewhere safe. Eventually after many reassurances from his end that he was OK and that the danger had passed, I reluctantly lay back down.

I couldn't sleep for the rest of that night.

It wasn't until I heard from him in Malaysia that I felt better. He was finally out of that shaking country! Of course I was not particularly impressed by his reaction to the whole event.

"heya,
im in malasia atm, the earth quake was big but not dangerous, i loved every second of it!!"

...

Boys. Stupid stupid boys. They give you heart attacks and think nothing more of the situation than just an "awesome" experience.

Although I thought he was insane and completely delirious, I was glad he was safe. And I was also excited. He was finally in Malaysia, which meant he would home in less than 24hours!

The night he was landing was a very sleepless night for me. I couldn't wait to see him so much!

The next day we organised for a lunch date with his friend and his girlfriend Karen. Karen and I were super excited! We sat waiting and waiting and finally we saw the two boys. We ran so fast towards them and I'm sure we look completely ridiculous.

However before I could give Lockie the biggest hug, I was stopped.

He had the worst sunburn all over his back and neck! He didn't want me to hurt him, so I was foreced to gentle pat him hello.

Completely pathetic.

Stupid boy, who thinks earthquakes are fun and who gets badly sunburnt so I can't hug him properly.

Never mind I guess. He was home.

The endless trip

I felt like bashing my head in.

I woke up in the morning staring straight up at the ceiling & I wished I could go back into the flawless reality, where only Lockie & I existed. I went to bed at night, and tried everything possible to try and knock myself out so that I could dream about him.

I was so annoyed at him! Why did he have to go during the school holidays? This was the only time I could properly hang out with him, and he wasn't there! I couldn't even complain and hang out with Joanne, because she was with him on the same trip!

The day he left, I wrote my first poem about him. It was pathetic and lame, and no one knew of its existence for a very long time. I have written many poems since then, and most of them are equally lame, but they help me go to a place where he is my perfect man, just as he was in the beginning.

We emailed nearly every day. He took longer to reply than I, because he was much busier than I. It frustrated me more than I could express. But since we were still in our 'early days' I didn't say anything. He had to picture me as a perfect, non-complaining girl for as long as humanly possible.

I still try and keep that image of myself in his head. Not sure how well I'm doing.

Plus I had to the best. He had had a girlfriend only 7 months earlier, and it had ended in shambles. Both parties were hurt and upset, and I had to prove that I could be better. Plus, she had tried coming back into his life only a few days before he left for Japan. I had all the relationship-world obstacles up against me!

I had another problem. My sisters were feeling very neglected. I had nothing to do the whole holidays, but I always managed to find an excuse not to hang out with them, simply because I was miserable.

They were resenting Lockie so much, and I was feeling defensive because they were against him. It ended in many screaming matches and tears. Definitely a learning curve for me, and how I treat others whilst juggling a relationship.

I'm still learning!

Finally Joanne came home. Lockie and another guy had stayed for an extra 5 days. It was good to have Jo home, because she could tell me heaps of stories about Japan aka Lockie. Plus, by that stage, I had started treating my sisters a little better. Calm was returning to the home and to my heart.

Jo was home.
My sisters didn't hate me as much.
And Lockie would be home in 5 days.

And then there was an earthquake.

Planes & chicken nuggets

My new semi-relationship was about to experience its first seperation.

On the 10th of July, Lachlan and a whole team from youth, including my best friend Joanne, were heading off on a missions trip to Japan. Lockie told me that if we had gotten together earlier, he would have considered pulling out of the trip.

His affection made my heart melt.

I know now that this 2-week seperation was preparation for something much bigger which would impact us in the future. But until I realised this, I was stuck being devastated by the fact that I wouldn't be seeing him for 14 days! It was tearing me to shreds!

So I decided to follow tradition, and (hopefully) make him love me forever, and never look back. I wrote him letters.

I wrote 16 letters: one for every day he was gone, including his plane trip home. I didn't know what to write for most of them, especially for the days right in the middle of his trip, because I had run out of topics to really talk about. But eventually I came up with enough waffle to cover 16 letters. I printed them out (in secret of course, so that my mother and father wouldn't realise I was writing endless love letters to him) and folded them neatly and put them in my handbag.

A few days before he left I passed my driving test & got my license. I was stoked, but he was even more stoked!! He was so proud of me. It was the best feeling in the world.

I could now drive myself to catch the bus and go to te airport with him. Gathering up my 16 letters, all neatly folded into envelopes (which I had stolen from my mum's stash- she couldn't find this out either, because there was now only 3 envelopes left, and she would make me buy a new pack of envelopes), I jumped into my little blue car and drove to church where the mini bus was waiting.

I hurried down to the bus and watched as he helped everyone load their luggage and find their seats. He made sure that everyone had a place to sit first before he jumped on next to me. I loved him all over again.

As we drove along he handed me a package- my first Lachlan package. These packages were things to be coverted. They contained everything you could possibly want or need and they were thoughtful and loving gifts. I have received several of these packages, and all have been unique and beautiful.

In this package was a letter-something I still have. There were also movies of his, which he wanted me to watch. (little did I know he was secretly trying to convert me into a sci-fi fan. He is still trying), a TV series which he loved & playstation games to play.

I never ended using half of what he had left me, because I became too busy with July school holiday life, but I was (and still am) touched by his thoughtfulness.

We got closer to the airport and my heart was sinking lower and lower. I never thought I would miss anyone so badly, and he hadn't even left yet!
We got out at Sydney airport and walked into the check-in terminal. While he and the others checked in, I took the opportunity of watching over his carry on bag and shoved my 16 letters in. He would get a lovely surprise when he got onto the plane.

After they had checked in we headed off towards the food court for lunch. We were scanned & x-rayed for deadly explosives and once we had passed the test, we headed into a busy court.

Although we weren't running late, we didn't exactly have a huge amount of time, so we quickly ordered the most familiar thing there: chicken nuggets from McDonalds.

Lachlan and I still talk about those nuggets. They were life-changing nuggets. They were hot, crispy and the chicken simply melted in our mouths. I have never tasted chicken nuggets that good since! It is very sad.

As I savoured those delicious nuggets, Lachlan reached for his carry-on luggage. I did not realise what he was doing, until he cried out in surprise at the 16 letters. I was not ready for his discovery and jumped so high I nearly spilled my coke all over myself.

As I pulled myself back together, my gaze caught his. He had the biggest smile on his face. I went so red that people giggled silently.

"Thank you so much!"

"That's OK...it's not much reall..."

"It's perfect"

Relief swept over me for a moment. It was gone in an instant.

"I am so giving you a hug for this later," he whispered.

My heart froze. I had freaked out when I had lightly brushed his hand at the movies! Now he wanted a real hug? I tried to hide my fear and nervousness. What if it wasn't the perfect hug? What if I hugged too tight? What if it didn't spark any magic? Could this be the defining hug for us?

I look back and feel foolish for my over-thinking, but at the time I was truly scared.

Finally it came time for them to head off to customs. Everyone said their goodbyes, and eventually it was only Lockie and I left.

The hug was perfect.

He turned and walked through the glass automatic doors into Customs. I turned around and headed back towards the carpark.

His yell caught me by surprise. I turned back and there he stood at the doors, waving madly. I laughed and waved back.

He went back inside. Before I had a chance to turn around again, he came back to wave some more.

This continued for some time.

Eventually, we were both forced to leave and go our separate ways. But we knew that the goodbye was worth all the stalling in the world.

And now we faced the next two weeks alone. The longest two weeks of our lives.

Kung Fu Panda

Lachlan was (thankfully) a child at heart. Certainly my kind of man.
He would play the games in kids church, volunteer to be coated in jelly, buy lego to add to his somewhat ridiculous collection AND he loved cartoon movies!

I was in love.

It had been 5 days since our carpark confession, and we were literally bubbling over with attraction, flirtation and extremely ridiculous and love-sick text messages. It was inevitable to happen, but he finally asked me out on a 'friend-date'. It could only be called as such because, well, we were only 'friends'.

My Mum & Dad knew that we liked each other by now, and unfortunately my hopes of being allowed to date the boy were denied until my graduation of High School. That wasn't for another 17 months!!

He rang one afternoon and asked if my sister and I would like to go and see "Kung Fu Panda", a popular new cartoon out at the cinemas. Although I extremely disliked the idea of my sister coming along, I had to face the facts. I was entering the world of third wheels, secret get-togethers and endless poem/love note writing for the next year and a half. So Emily came.

It was really fun! We ate our first "romantic" dinner together. McDonalds never failed on delivery of great tasting, extremely unhealthy food. We ate, laughed and enjoyed each other's company very much. Although Emily was not part of the flirting, she had a good time as well, because I was still including her- not using her.

The movie was very funny and enjoyable. The popcorn was hot and buttery. It was irresistable. But the moment I brushed past his hand, as we both reached for the same handful of popcorn in the dark, I retreated and ate no more. My heart pounded so hard inside my chest.

To him, I was embarrassed because I liked him.

In reality I was scared to touch. I had been touched once, and I found it hard to make contact with another guy and trust him. He didn't know my secret.

He wouldn't know for a while.

After the movie we headed home, grabbed some petrol and finally pulled up my driveway. There was a lot of cars all over the drive because my parents were having a weekly church meeting. We heard laughter and the sound of tea cups clinking and people enjoying their mint slice biscuits.

I opened up the door and let my sister and Lachlan walk past me. I stared after him and loved him with my complete self. But I remained frustrated at myself for my unnecessary retreat from him during our popcorn rendezvous. I wanted to let him in completely. But for now I would just make sure he would take care of me first.

Trust was going to be hardest challenge in the beginning days of our friendship/relationship.

But I wanted to trust him so much. And somehow I felt that it would be possible one day.

One day.

17 months to go

That night, after Lockie had told me that he liked me, I was in the best mood! I couldn't contain my happiness! When Dad came to pick my sister and I up from youth I was secretly texting all my friends. I remember as we were driving out, Dad asking me what was up.

"Nothing" was my reply. I was too nervous to tell my Dad that a boy had stolen my heart that night.

I lay in bed that night and I realised that it would be a long wait until I could call him my boyfriend.

But even as I was saddened by this fact, I fell asleep so happy.

I had myself a best friend and lover all in one.